Some Folks will Swallow all sorts of Shit

An Appeal To Good Sense and Moral Responsibility

In these days of wartime, where we are granted nary a peaceful moment of respite from battles and conflicts, everyone is a critic of every facet of war but, in their critical stupor, they usually fail to suppose an alternative. Now, I am no fan of war by any means nor do I wish to sing the virtues (or scream the follies) of war. I am merely writing this piece as an appeal to good sense and moral responsibility. I have, after numerous painstaking brainstorms, developed a peaceable alternative to war that will save many lives and shed little to no blood. This alternative is: laser tag. In theory, I'm sure this sounds quite juvenile. "Insurgents and Americans running around with laser rifles competing for points. Yeah, right." In practice, though, the perks will shine through all preconceived notions. Think about it. We could swiftly end all bloody conflicts with a friendly, competitive match of laser tag. The Palestinian-Israeli conflict over Israel? Whatever teams accumulates the highest point sum wins the land! The battle against Al-Qaeda and the Taliban? Simply hold a tournament of laser tag in barren Iraq/Afghanistan. Each side is given a laser rifle recreated to imitate the looks of each sides respective firearms. Suicide bombers will be given an invisible plasma dome laser attack that affects a 25ft. area, ousting anyone in the radius of the invisible blast with the user being out as well. Each team will have a certain number of points that they can use to spend on weapons, upgrade infantry, upgrade armor, fortify base defense, etc. This total will be derived from the regions riches just like real war budgets would be. Invisible car-combs and IED's will litter the playing field and any squad who trips one will be out. Mortar-launching players will sit perched on top of buildings and hills, cloaked by the local landscape, decimating players and scores with a barrage of laser explosions. American snipers will do the same; each headshot is 250 points! No longer will war lead us deeper and deeper into a negative deficit clusterfuck. Real weapons can cost thousands of dollars and real wars can cost $1 million a day! Laser rifles only cost the manufacturer about $10 per rifle (this is not counting shipping and handling). Bombs and missiles only cost dollars more! This means it will cost only about $200 to outfit an entire squadron instead of thousands-millions of dollars. This would also be a great time to work for Hasbro. Possibilities of nuclear attacks got you down? Cataclysmic destruction is now a thing of the past with new Alpha-Omega Centauri Laser Nuclear Assault Missiles! Launch this bad boy in the center of a nations most economic necessity and watch the point totals drop! Fly a one-use laser plane through the force-field of a country's financial mecca and witness the utter decimation of the opposing team's player count. This novel idea will save millions, if not a bajillion quadrillion, of lives over the span of humanity if adopted. Noble citizens, write your local and national congressman begging for this alternative to violent discord. Sing its praises on local television and nationally-syndicated daytime television talk shows. Let out a mighty bellow on the peaks of snow-capped mounts expressing your displeasure with a system that utilizes war as a means of profit; that utilizes people as cogs in their death machines; that advocate slavery guised as freedom and Democracy. Murder is not Democracy! Exploitation is not Freedom! Liberation is Laser Tag!